Table of Contents
If you’re new to this series, you can read our first article here: Gaslit and Blamed: How the UK Education System Fails Autistic Children and Their Parents
Introduction: Who Supports the Supporters?
Behind many autistic children stands an autistic parent — often undiagnosed, often exhausted, and often fighting battles on two fronts: for their child, and for themselves. These parents are experts by lived experience, yet within the UK’s education system, they’re often ignored, dismissed, or even penalised for not conforming to neurotypical expectations.
The term autistic parent is rarely spoken in official meetings or guidance documents — but these parents exist in large numbers. It’s time the system started listening.
Why So Many Autistic Parents Are Undiagnosed
Most autistic parents don’t grow up knowing they’re autistic. Especially among women and AFAB individuals, diagnosis is often missed due to masking, stereotypes, and a lack of understanding by healthcare professionals. It’s common for autistic parents to only seek an assessment after their child receives one, and the realisation dawns: “This is me, too.”
Even today, autistic traits in adults are misunderstood or pathologised as anxiety, depression, or personality disorders — further delaying access to support. The National Autistic Society confirms that many adults are left undiagnosed well into middle age.
Double the Burnout, Half the Understanding
Being an autistic parent in the SEND system means navigating constant meetings, confusing processes, and adversarial encounters — all while masking and managing your own sensory, executive, and emotional needs. It’s not just exhausting. It’s disabling.
These parents are expected to present as calm, articulate, and emotionally neutral in high-stress settings — like EHCP reviews or tribunal hearings — or risk being labelled unstable, paranoid, or difficult. Meanwhile, they’re often masking distress, fighting executive dysfunction, and absorbing the emotional toll of fighting for their child’s basic needs.
Blame Culture and the ‘Difficult Parent’ Label
Autistic parents frequently report being gaslit, misjudged, and sidelined. Their directness is perceived as rudeness. Their insistence on clarity is seen as aggression. Their emotional distress is framed as poor coping or overreaction.
This kind of parental profiling is part of a wider blame culture that IPSEA has repeatedly documented. It’s not uncommon for autistic parents to be referred to social services under vague accusations of being “overanxious” or “emotionally unstable” — weaponising their neurodivergence instead of supporting it.
The Strengths Autistic Parents Bring
Autistic parents are often incredibly attuned to their children’s sensory needs, routines, triggers, and support patterns. They track data, anticipate dysregulation, and build scaffolding that schools often fail to see or understand. They live in the same world as their child — and that lived empathy is a powerful tool.
Yet instead of being embraced as collaborative experts, autistic parents are often pushed aside. It’s a systemic failure of perspective. Ambitious about Autism continues to highlight the vital role of parent voices — but until neurodivergent parenting is openly acknowledged, these contributions remain overlooked.
What Needs to Change
- Formal recognition of autistic parents in SEND policy and training
- SENDCOs and professionals trained in working with neurodivergent adults
- Meeting adjustments: written questions, flexible formats, trauma-informed approaches
- Protection against discriminatory referrals and character attacks
We need a system that recognises the unique challenges autistic parents face — and the unparalleled strengths they bring.
Final Word: You’re Not Alone, and You’re Not Wrong
If you’ve ever walked out of a meeting feeling dismissed, confused, or attacked — you are not the problem. You’re not failing. You’re navigating a system that wasn’t built with autistic parents in mind.
But you’re also not alone. The more we speak up, the more visible we become. And the louder the truth becomes: autistic parents aren’t difficult. They’re determined. And they deserve to be heard.
Want to share your story? Comment below or email us at newsfangled@yahoo.com — anonymously or otherwise. We’re listening.
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