We Summon Ye, O Wigglers of Weather: Britain Needs a Rain Dance Revival

In the Name of the Puddle, the Splash, and the Holy Drizzle—We Beg You

With parts of the UK bracing for water shortages, hosepipe bans, and “strongly worded advice” from Yorkshire Water, Newsfangled is taking decisive action. That’s right. We’re putting out a nationwide call:

Does anyone—anyone—know how to do a proper rain dance?

We’re not picky about the method. Whether it’s ancient tribal ritual, interpretive Morris dancing, or just a good old rain dance UK attempt involving a tin of beans and sheer optimism—we’ll take it. Britain needs you.

We Tried Scientific Solutions—They Were Too… Scientific

Water companies say the problem lies in “record low rainfall” and “infrastructure strained by rising demand.” We say: pfft. Have you seen the rain in this country? The weather can’t possibly be out of stock.

Still, we checked:

• Praying didn’t work.
• Cloud seeding is too expensive (and slightly illegal in Derby).
• Complaining loudly Complaining loudly only summoned the BBC weather app—and it had the wrong county.

So now we turn to the ancient art of wiggling with intent.

Early Applicants Have Been… Creative

So far, we’ve received:

• One video of a man in Bognor dancing in wellies while chanting “Let it pour, you soggy bore!”
• A TikTok from Devon featuring a dog in a raincoat doing backflips.
• A pensioner from Wrexham who insists her husband made it rain in 1972 just by taking his trousers off in public.

We don’t know what’s more worrying: that they did it, or that it might have worked.

Guidelines for Rain Dance UK Submissions

To be considered an official rain dance UK performer, please ensure your method includes at least three of the following:

• Flailing limbs
• Chanting or mumbling (preferably in an unknown dialect)
• Squelchy footwear
• A humble offering to the rain gods (bottle of Robinsons optional)

Bonus points if your neighbours report you to the council.

Have Experience? We’re Accepting Rain Dance CVs Now

If you’re a seasoned weather wiggler, ex-druid, former Glastonbury performer, or just once made it drizzle after an intense Zumba class—we want to hear from you.

Please send your Rain Dance CV to Newsfangled HQ. Bonus points if it includes:

• Number of successful showers summoned
• Preferred ritual objects (staff, spatula, novelty wellies)
• Personal best: fastest time between dance and drizzle
• Testimonials from impressed neighbours or confused pets

Submissions may be published. Especially the weird ones.

If This Works, You’re Getting a Knighthood

Britain is tired. The lawns are yellow, the reservoirs are gasping, and Greggs is rumoured to be testing dry pastry. Desperate times call for rhythmic gyrations in the direction of the sky.

If your rain dance ends the drought, we promise:

• A front-page Newsfangled interview
• A golden poncho
• And an honorary title: Sir Drips-a-Lot

So get wiggling, Britain. This is your moment.

One More Wiggle for the Weather Gods

Of course, if this doesn’t work, we’ll be forced to rely on Plan B: convincing Angela Rayner to do the Macarena in Parliament Square while wearing a poncho made of lettuce. Desperate? Yes. Effective? No idea. But it’ll definitely make the front page. Again.

Still, we remain hopeful. If there’s one thing Britain excels at—besides sarcasm and incorrectly folding maps—it’s pulling together in a crisis. Or, at the very least, looking mildly eccentric while waving gardening tools at the sky.

Have a go. Make a rain dance UK. Save a duck pond

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